Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
ugly people sure do ruin things
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
