I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize