I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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