He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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