We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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