So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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