i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
