Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize