What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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