your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
