I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
