They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
from now on my penis is your penis
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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