wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
All I want is dick and wine.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
