im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize