i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Randomize
