is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
