And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize