youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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