Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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