i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
