I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
