just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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