I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
