I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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