I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
These tits shall not be calmed
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize