Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
