Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
