and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
True strength comes from lack of pants
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize