I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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