there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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