after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize