I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
