found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
