You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
