youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
