A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
