Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
