I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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