If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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