who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
