my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
