i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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