i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
