All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
