I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
