what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
