He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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