You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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