I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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