well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
