im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
