nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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