If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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