I puked a lego.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Bring me that man meat
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
