My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
