If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
