please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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